Less is More January 12, 2015

The hubby and I got ourselves to church this weekend!  This is huge.  Ever since sweet girl was born, it’s been a whirlwind of up and down and this or that time not working for whatever reason; and we all know once you’re out of the habit it’s very easy to stay out.  I’m super excited because I think I found an option that will work for us and I’m so happy to get back into the groove of things!

 

That being said- this weekend’s message was ON POINT.  It had so many correlations to real life for me.  One of the things said was that your life can be full, but at the same time not be fulfilling.  This spun into a conversation about how you can dedicate your life to get your kids to all sorts of different events or practices, filling your life with the busyness of being the perfect parent, all the while not doing a single thing to FULfill your life (use whatever example relates to your own life).  Invest in things that matter!  Right after having a baby, I immediately felt the pressure to keep up with everyone’s perfect Facebook life with kids.  For example one week, it’s a family trip to the zoo where everyone behaved and smiled for each picture, the weekend before that was the family photos with matching sweaters and smiles, and we’ve already heard about next weekend, the annual camping trip where even the 3 year old has skis engraved with their names.  GET REAL people.  Get real.  My therapist has an amazing and very real thing that encompasses this whole idea of perfectness.  Ready?  “Facebook envy.”  Yes, my friend, it is a real thing.  When you are constantly thinking about how perfect others’ lives are (read: perception), you suddenly have every reason under the sun to no longer be satisfied with yours.  Guess what.  If people have time, money, and what must be a sea of babysitters willing to sit at the last minute- go for it, live that life.  But for the majority of us, that isn’t real, and it’s not what matters.  Don’t force yourself to have a “full” life and confuse it for a “fulfilling” one.  That’s deep.  Less is more.

 

Next, the parable was shared about when Jesus and the disciples stayed with Martha and Mary.  Martha was busy making all the food, prepping, etc. and yelled at Jesus and Mary because Mary wasn’t helping.  Most of the time, when this passage is shared, the perception is given that Martha was wrong.  Are you ready for this lesson, because it’s a big one.  Martha was not wrong.  She was distracted.  Huge difference.  Have you thought of it that way before?  I know I hadn’t!  Martha was not committing a sin, and the passage never said she was wrong.  In fact, if you had 16+ people in your living room, you’d be off prepping up a storm to make sure all those Facebook pics turn out perfect you serve the best to your friends!  But the point is, Jesus was a priority to Martha, and He was in her home; yet she was so caught up, she wasn’t focusing on what was important.  She was distracted.  Less is more.

 

Another huge lesson for me was regarding the “as soon as life”.  You know… as soon as you get a promotion, blah.  Or, as soon as the baby gets into school, blah.  As soon as we fix the leak, blah.  As soon as this season is over, blah.  A lot of people live this way, and up until this weekend, I’d say I was one of them.  There’s always something, and there’s always going to be something; because AS SOON AS the one thing is done, there will always be another thing that needs to be done.  That’s the way it works.  “We confuse motion with progress” (Pastor’s quote).  We keep moving and moving thinking we’re better for it, living this full life, when really you aren’t making any progress.  I relate this a lot to our budget.  Last year around this time, the baby had just arrived, we had a ton-o-bills due to all the heart, ear, and preemie testing and we kept thing AS SOON AS we pay this off, we’ll be able to work on the student loans again.  Then, as soon as summer is here we’ll pay this off because of whatever.  So on, so forth.  It just didn’t happen.  Now, looking back, we kept moving, kept buying, kept paying off… the credit card.  This, instead of living within our means and paying off existing debt.  I must say, a lot of this is my fault because I gained baby weight and at the same time was very deeply depressed and gave myself authority to buy an entirely new wardrobe.  Over the course of the whole year.  Essspensive.  And still paying for it.  Don’t live an as soon as life.  Less is more.

 

I leave you with a thought Pastor gave us.  Do you remember what you liked on Facebook last week?  Do you remember that thing you had to do last September 13th that caused you to go off on someone because you just HAD to do it?  Do you remember the team you were cheering for during the playoffs even though your team was already out of them when you just had to watch that game and made the kids leave you alone?  No.  But do you remember when your daughter ran into your arms for a big hug when you surprised her, or the last time you laid in bed with your husband and stayed up talking for hours?  Don’t get distracted.  Don’t fill your life with things that don’t matter.  Recharge your soul with the things that do matter and aspire to live a FULL life.

 

Less is more.

 

A link to this beautiful sermon, “Recharge Your Soul”

http://bath.graceohio.org/series/Less_Is_More

The Goings-on January 6, 2015

First of all, I went for a fitness assessment tonight at the gym I joined on January 1 (sooooo lame, IKNOW) and girl.  That was rough.  I have a migraine because that whole stair stepping on a TALL ASS stair for 3 minutes madness right off the bat just did me in.  Oh, and the fact that I’m 34% body fat, considered obese, and my score on a scale of excellent to very poor was literally on the line between below average and poor. Yes. Oh yes.  I just made you feel good didn’t I.  So sad right… but, hey.  It’s worth being depressed now so I can celebrate harder when that changes!  Should I post about my fitness journey on here??  Hmm.  Pictures of this rockin’ bod… sounds appetizing.

 

We had my sweet girl’s second 1st birthday this weekend with the Mister’s family which was a blast.  There were several little cousins running around and sufficiently wore the babe out enough to where she could just barely joyfully open each present and politely thank everyone rip paper.  But really, it was awesome and further proved how blessed she is!  I also provided homemade desserts for the party!  Poured the cake straight out of the box and baked it in my home! Bahahahaha.  But then I did take that cake and hand roll and dip cake pops; so that counts right?  Just ask my former business partner at La Hoot Bakery how proud she is of me.  Boxed cake.  Pshh!

 

This week has been rough in general because it’s the new year and we’re back to reality, you know?  Everyone is back to work from vacation, a lot of people are trying to start fresh and new on different aspects of life, and we all almost got used to staying up late and sleeping in.  Now this mama has to figure out how the heck to get my obese booty into the gym before the crack of dawn.  But the great news is my anxiety has been under pretty decent control, that is until the Mister sat me down last night to have the “Ok Lindsey, the budget is on lockdown, we spent wayyyy to much on Christmas” conversation. BAH HUMBUG. We did kind of go overboard. Back to ramen noodles and grits. Just kidding, I’m allowed oatmeal and bologna.  I totally just had to sing the bologna song to spell that.

 

Annnnd… Bachelor started!!  That’s right!  The epitome of trash TV (aside from Cheaters and Springer lol) is a guilty pleasure of mine.  And I had the honor of joining a watch party with some of my besties- so fun!  Oh, Farmer Chris.  I mean… he is cute and chivalrous.  But, I’m from Kansas and get a lot of the “farmer” comments coming my way, so I personally feel like they are overkilling that whole angle.  I bet he’ll be excited when he’s not known as Farmer Chris anymore.  Well, not until he’s done making millions off those pearly whites (ding!).  He deserves a good woman though.  I think we ALL have Kelsey and Britt pegged as finalists, but shoot… so far all them other b’s are CRAY CRAY!

 

Signing off… happy first week of 2015.  Does this mean calendars are on sale yet because I totally need a new one…

❤

Cheers to 2015! January 1, 2015

2015!  Wow.  I’m 30, married, have a 1 year old, have little to no metabolism left, and I go to bed by 9.  Crazy.  Although, in celebration of the new year and wanting to pick my blogging back up (hopefully for real this time), it is 9:04 and I’m just starting a blog- watch out world.

 

2014 was not a year of favor for me personally.  I had zero sleep for the first 3 months due to a little thing called a monster newborn.  Sweet baby Jesus the newborn phase is not-for-me.  The lack of consistency, control, and sleep sent me into quite a down spiral that consisted of several unhealthy rabbit trails.  The awesome news is, with the help of several doctors who thought I was crazy wanted to help me get better, I am.  I’m not afraid to say I now have a therapist I visit often because I will reference her I’m sure… and some medication that had to have been blessed by the most mighty angel in heaven that is helping me on my road to recovery!  My favorite parts of the year were the numerous visits with my dear family I don’t get to see near enough, watching my sweet girl (ahem… after those first 3 months, gah!!) grow from a tiny 5 pound fragile little ball into a spunky, strong, beautiful little entertainer, and I can’t leave out the hubby and I’s first childless date night, which did not occur until the little one was 11 months old.  I know, I know… poor me hubby.  Ha.

 

My #1 goal for 2015 is to live.  Live life, live in the present, live to love, live to appreciate.  My secondary but still very important goal is the all time cliche of losing weight.  In my 30 years of life, I have never had a new years resolution.  Just not my style.  However this new years I feel very inspired.  Since my energy and life phases seem to take different journeys at times- I want to enjoy my inspired moments as fully as possible!

 

My aspirations for my blog this year are a bit different than before.  I hope to track my fitness journey, not only so I can look back on it, but also to inspire others who may be like me (i.e. sedentary) and need a boost.  I also plan to write some about the personal battles that started in 2014 that I’m still working through.  Lastly, I hope to provide a laugh or merely lay out some random thoughts along the way.  Cheers to 2015 and a HAPPY new year!

Baby Series: 2- Bundle of Type-A Joy February 21, 2014

Although I’ve always claimed to be a Type A personality because of the context people spoke of it, I just looked up the wiki for fun and I am Type A to-the-T.  I thrive on having a schedule, I’m very calculated, and if something throws a curve ball in to my plan or timing, I get very, very anxious.  I remember during one appointment we had with the infertility specialist, my mind for once went beyond the thought of getting pregnant and the thought of actually having a kid hit me and I absolutely panicked.  I said aloud, “Now wait… now that I have all of the endometriosis out, can’t we hold off and just do birth control?  I mean do I have to do this now?”  In my brain, I immediately thought of the interruptions, dependencies, and commitment that come with a child… instead of the thousands of buckets of tears I had cried at the thought of never being able to hold my own baby in  my arms.  In that instant, it became a negative thing because I realized it was now or never, which meant it wasn’t on MY terms.  Try that on for size if you’re a Type A.  Upon my outburst, my husband let out a half gasp half laugh, as in, are you kidding me right now… which was pretty much the same look the specialist was giving me.  Isn’t it interesting how life can change when things aren’t according to the timing you planned?  Well… I welcome you to parenthood.

 

My entire experience as a mom has been a textbook case of no control.  Before becoming pregnant, I worked long hours by choice and tried to find time to meet all the social commitments that seemed to take up every night during the week.  It was a constant scheduling game for me… where to put my energy, where I didn’t care to put energy, what commitment do I need to meet to save face, what do I actually want to attend, etc.  Once I became pregnant, the pain I had constantly from endometriosis went away; but on came massive pain in my back, hips, and pelvis.  Long story short, my pelvis was (is) offset and tilted, which turned into physical therapy three times a week at 2-2.5 hours a pop.  Are you serious?  I now had to fit THAT in to my schedule?  So basically I never had time or energy to do anything else… but I was often amazed at the ways I fit it in and wondered what I would have done with that time otherwise… kind of like you always think more money will fix problems until a raise comes your way and magically the extra money disappears just like it did before.

 

Anyway, we already had a trip planned to California for my cousin’s wedding which turned out to occur when I was 12 or 13 weeks and let’s just say I completely ruined that trip for my family due to the extreme fatigue, nausea, and pain (and ahem, hormones).  God bless them for dealing with me.  I also had a calculated plan on when exactly I needed (wanted) to work on the nursery before I got too big and miserable and a few factors caused that to not happen like I wanted.  We had planned my baby shower around a particular weekend so my mom could come and sickness came over her at precisely the same time so she wasn’t able to attend.  Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.  Then along came the mother of all variables… my water broke a little over 4 weeks early.  I remember sitting in the bathroom at 5:30am, and as I yelled for my husband, the thought I had in my mind was how angry I was at myself for not packing my bag for the hospital during the last few weekends like I meant to because I AM that person that is ALWAYS prepared.

 

To continue the story, my husband and I very much wanted our baby to be breast fed.  What’s the big deal right?  I put her on the boob when she cries.  Ha!!! ………………… Ha!!  What I was incredibly naive about, is the fact that a newborn feeds on demand which is not every like 6-8 hours.  You’re talking every hour to two hours, and because she was preemie, if she didn’t wake up by that time I had to WAKE her up to feed her.  THERE IS NO SCHEDULE. NONE.  And let me shout from the roof top: BREAST FEEDING IS A HUGE COMMITMENT.  I didn’t quite get that going in to it- I mean I did, but I didn’t.  The first two weeks of motherhood I was literally like WHAT the HELL did I just do?!  And I get that there’s books upon books and articles upon articles that provide guidance… but my research went out the window since I had a preemie.  Everything I had read about… my child is behind that timeline by a few weeks, which I understand now but didn’t then and wondered what the heck I was doing wrong pretty much all the time.  So I had no idea what to expect, ever.  I was anxious, like, highly anxious.

 

Around my 6 week mark, a friend told me that her 3 week old was already on a schedule.  I was mystified… how in the world does that work when you have to feed on demand?  Well my friends, as long as the baby is gaining weight fine, which mine was, they need to feed about every 3 hours.  Well, instead of letting your baby tell you when they are hungry, you can create the 3 h0ur intervals around a schedule that works with your lifestyle  (I did get the pediatrician ok to not longer wake her every two hours).  THIS.SAVED.MY.LIFE.  And yes, I get that it doesn’t work for everyone and many MANY people will tell you don’t wake a baby to feed them.  Well, it works for me.  I immediately picked the schedule I wanted to strive for and the baby responded really well to it.  Even though I find myself waking her to eat at most intervals… if I don’t wake her, she wakes up about 15 minutes later SUPER mad, so I will totally wake her and make life easier on me thankyouverymuch.  Finally I was able to plan the doctor appointments, visits, and errands around actual consistent times!  I don’t know why I didn’t think of doing that a few weeks earlier, but it eased my mind extensively and truthfully probably happened when it was meant to happen for my little one.

 

So I know that’s a lot of me spilling my guts, but it helps to talk about it and if there’s someone that benefits from me saying any of it, then it was worth it.  I went into motherhood with a naive expectation of what I thought it would be.  It is a very big commitment and you have to be so completely open minded and ok with being out of control.  Women with personalities similar to mine, I empathize with you.  Having your first baby is really, really hard.  You will be tired.  And lost.  And honestly, annoyed.  But, you have to learn to make adjustments that fit into your lifestyle so you can work your way towards a schedule and have more normalcy, which brings on a whole new level of love for your new bundle of joy.

 

Baby Series: 1- Prayer, Patience, & Payoff February 9, 2014

If anything is for certain, it is that throughout our lives, God challenges us.  Whether it be big or small, He is ever teaching us to rely on and trust in Him.  The biggest challenge I’ve faced in my life so far was hands down the path to pregnancy.  More than choosing a college, more than choosing a career, more than moving a thousand miles away from everything I knew to create a new life.

 

Ever since I can remember, I said I wanted to get married at 22 and have a kid by 24.  That makes me laugh now… hysterically.  But, my point is I always wanted a kid; in fact I wanted four.  That makes me laugh hysterically now, too.  When the hubby and I got married three years ago, one thing we definitely agreed on was trying to have a kid right away.  It’s just something we both wanted.  But very soon after getting married, intimacy became extremely painful.  On top of that, a few months after we got married, our entire church group starting announcing pregnancies like dominoes.  Literally, someone was due every month for almost a whole year.  I was sad and in pain, and now everyone could achieve the end goal but me- which brought on immense feelings of failure.  My poor husband… what he must have been thinking while he supported me during this torturous period.  Newlyweds, huh?  Ya that wasn’t us.

 

Over the course of two years, the pain grew more and more unbearable and the size of the pit in my stomach grew with each baby shower that came and went.  Why, God?  Why me?  Why can’t I have a baby?  Why must I experience such pain?  I prayed all of these things continually, tearfully.  It was a hard and dark period of my life, and to this day I have no idea how my husband showed such patience while all I ever did was complain and/or avoid him.  After two years of trying, my gyno sent me to a specialist, and we found out I have stage four endometriosis.  The cliff notes/non-invasive description is that it’s a disorder that takes over the female reproductive system in a very bad way.  For those that don’t mind details, click here for the wiki.  Lots of pain, lots of consequences, and no cure- something satan dreamt up on a bad day.  Nevertheless, it was a reason for the pain and infertility, which was the validation I had desperately searched for.

 

After surgery to remove it all, we began a race against the clock because endo comes back with a vengeance which resulted in a small window of time for me to get pregnant.  After the surgery, we did four IUIs that were unsuccessful.  The specialist said at that point I had a 1-2 percent chance of becoming pregnant, unless we did IVF which increased my chance to 50%.  After some very long discussions, hubby and I decided we would save up for IVF; but in the mean time, we would do another month of an IUI.  There were very, very few people that knew what I was going through because it was so personal, but more so because it was a continued sense of failure for my womanhood.  I will never forget the day I sat in the specialist’s office and with no queue whatsoever, he stopped what he was saying and instead said “Lindsey, you must know there is nothing you did to cause this and nothing you could’ve done to prevent it; none of this is your fault”.  I…balled.  My heart goes SO deep for any woman that goes through this.  The whole experience is a level of devastation you can’t imagine unless you go through it.

 

On May 15, 2013, I was out of town on business and reluctantly looked at the pregnancy test I knew I needed to take.  Two years and four months of negative news doesn’t give much hope.  At 2am, I woke up and decided it was as good of a time as any.  After a minute or two… Eh, one line, as always… and with that, I threw it onto the bathroom counter and shuffled back to bed.  My alarm awoke me in the morning and as I brushed my teeth I peered over at the test.  Wait a minute.  Is that a second line?  In a hotel room?  On a hotel bathroom counter?  As dingy as the moment felt, it was one of the best moments of my life.  I cried out of happiness, then fear, then just the fact that I had to tell my husband over the phone rather than some cool way (because I clearly couldn’t tell anyone I was on the trip with and after 2 and half years, a girl’s gotta shout it!).  We knew it was meant to be because we weren’t even “supposed” to do an IUI that month.  Pretty cool.

 

The great thing about pregnancy, is that it is a temporary “cure” for endo.  So as of that day, I was elated… for many reasons.  God challenges us, and we don’t always meet those challenges with grace.  I allowed pity, depression, and jealousy to really sink in during a long period of time where I know now God was trying to draw me closer.  I know that.  The whole time I was trying to become pregnant, I felt sooo sorry for myself.  Once I became pregnant, I remember many times I asked God why He would bless me with a child when I had not acted in any sort of way to deserve it.  And with that, I understood He gave me the blessing I had craved to bring me closer to Him.

Lucky am I. August 22, 2012

I heard an old song on my Pandora today, and as I listened to the familiar tune, I started paying attention to the words and it brought tears to my eyes.

My hubby and I went through a lot in the months leading up to, and year following our wedding. It was full of a lot of stress at work, stress with our home, health problems in the family, and the resulted tension between us as those things took a toll. I remember asking myself several times if it was all worth it. I remember one day in particular, where the Mister and I had a pretty emotionally charged conversation about our happiness, why I had moved 1,000 miles away from my family to be with him, and if we still wanted to keep pressing forward. That day, I thought a lot about us and knew in my heart I wanted to be with him forever. So, I wrote him a long letter about how I felt, admitted my mistakes, and poured out my heart. When he got home that day, I handed him the letter and his eyes fell to the floor. I hadn’t ever seen this look, and didn’t know how to interpret it. He opened my letter and read it, and as he finished the last sentence, he looked up at me with tears in his eyes. Confused, I asked what was wrong, did he not feel the same way? He simply said, “I thought you had just written me a letter that you were leaving”, and then gave me a great big hug. In a moment like that, you become connected to someone so deep down to your soul that nothing can break it.

I’ve had my share of jerks. I’ve written about several of them. But I’ve never, ever been with someone that loved me as much as the Mister. A little after the time above, I was developing as a professional and learning how to handle the stresses of Management, at the same time that my mom was on her death bed (she recovered), and at the same time I was trying to plan a long distance wedding (planned for my two sick grandparents, who both passed during the planning). It wasn’t a good time. He stood by my side without the blink of an eye, and continued to tell me it would be okay. Sure there were times of frustration, but he didn’t give up on me. Which couldn’t have been easy, because if any of you have ever had your entire world crumble around you, it affects every relationship to a degree, especially the person who shares your heart, and I soon forgot to not take him for granted.

The first year of our marriage wasn’t ideal. Don’t get me wrong, we had some great times, but it was definitely full of learning and patience as we learned to grow with one another. We had a sermon one weekend that was about happiness… and one of the subjects was that if you have areas of discontent in your marriage, try looking at what you are or aren’t doing instead of focusing on your partner. I don’t know that I ever blamed the Mister for anything, but I felt like I never had energy for a relationship and I just always wondered why he stuck around. That sermon was an ah-ha moment for me- to know we didn’t have to live this way! I went away from it realizing I had never allowed myself to lessen my emotional capital in work and everything outside of our marriage in order to concentrate on our relationship. I realized during that transition that I owed him so much more than I was giving him. After all, he has supported me through some major hell, and instead of being annoyed at my stress, he offers back rubs and foot rubs while I tell him about my days. Since this realization, we’ve had some of the best times and learned to love each other in ways we never knew.

I am lucky to have such an awesome husband. I’ve felt this same joy watching my parents relationship. They’ve had their struggles like any couple… after all, we have to learn to love different versions of each other as we grow up! But I’ve never heard them argue or yell (yes I’ve seen disagreements, we aren’t perfect people!), and they’ve stuck by each other through some major life changes and challenges. As I listened to this song today, tears just flowed as I thought about how blessed I am with such a wonderful family. Learn to limit the emotional capital you put into work, into obligations, into life, and instead focus on your family. I promise, the joy you will find awaiting you is utterly amazing.

Here’s the song… I feel like it is 100% what my hubby has been for me. Lucky am I.

My Mother’s Daughter July 20, 2012

In the book study my bestie (read her blog here) and I lead, we’re currently reading the book “Captivating”. In one of the chapters a reference was made how most women who grew up with their mother gain a lot of the same values as their mom. This struck a cord with me.

When I was in school, I was that girl that worked really hard to get straight A’s. I was never very interested in competitive sports or most things my friends did. When I got my first boyfriend, I joined the troops in going out on the weekends and stuff, and I took a shot (a very, very sad one- read: last place on team) at tennis one year, but you bet I was on Honor Roll all 4 years. I started my first “real” job before graduating high school, and was a supervisor by age 20. In college, this trend continued. Most college students party hardy, live it up, ignore homework- but not me. I lived at home the first couple years and then moved out on my own. I kept a tidy house, not ONE time did I have a party, and I graduated college Magna Cum Laude. Even during my stage of “rebellion”- I was serious about my work. Some would call this up tight. To me, it was the norm- as in, never thought twice about it.

As I’ve grown, I can’t help but notice I’m more ahead in my career than my co-workers- in the sense that as I’ve grown in my career and now in Management, I notice my peers are all older. I’ve often wondered “why am I different? why is my work ethic what it is?” As I read the little section above in Captivating, it totally hit me that I am my mother’s daughter. When I was little, I can remember her working so hard, late nights, heading the annual fundraising event for her work every year, etc., and was always so stellar at it. At the same time, she was coaching my little league soccer team and attending my field days. Although I may not have known how lucky I was then, as I grew up, I knew my mom was a superstar.

My mom and I often laugh now at how much we’re alike. I am a mini me of her- there is no denying that. I can’t tell you how many days we will call each other to say “I’m having a HORRIBLE day, so I knew you were too and had to call”, and we’re ALWAYS right on. Today was no exception. It’s unreal how similar our lives are right now, even though we’re a generation apart, live 1,000 miles from each other, and have completely different careers. It’s comforting when no matter how good or bad my day was, I can always find comfort in the sound of my mother’s voice saying… “AH! ME TOO!”

For some women, they would do anything to not be like their mom. But I don’t think there’s an ounce of my soul that is not my mother. Lucky for me, my mom is pretty awesome, which speaks pretty highly of me. 😉

P.S. Dad, I love you, and of course you’ll get a blog all about you sometime. 🙂

Best Weekend Ever July 3, 2012

The Mister said last night, “I think this is one of the best weekends I’ve ever had in my life”. My response? “Me too.”

I came to a place about a month ago, where something clicked and I made the decision that work wasn’t going to stress me out anymore (i.e. leave work at work). Although I’ve always tried to do that, I’ve never been able to since being in my current job. Whatever allowed me to flip the switch to escape from it when I leave each day, I’m so grateful.

To expand on that, last weekend, I sat down with the Mister to have a conversation about my happiness. Being extremely unhappy in work can leak into your personal life so easily, and it wasn’t fair to either of us. I thought of all the things I like to do, and sorted out different feelings about each of them, but ultimately wound up with a lot of uncertainty. This last week was particularly draining for me because I was thinking so hard about what it is that would make me happy, and the uncertainty began to feel like failure. If I’m so great at xyz group of things, why don’t I know exactly what I want to do and how to do it? What about X career- would I be fulfilled? Or, what if I concentrated on Y career? Or, what if I decided to stay home and maybe do X or Z on the side? You get the picture. I still haven’t nailed down my next move (if any- LOVE my job, hate the environment).

Another variable adding to the emotions was that throughout the last few weeks, I’ve felt very alone. Not from the Mister, but from a womanly perspective. I felt like no matter what conversation I was having, I was listening to a laundry list of complaints, but no one cared to ask or learn what was going on with me. Not that I necessarily wanted to discuss it, but it’s a very isolating feeling. Especially when you’re in a position where you’re a leader both professionally and personally, and you’re constantly trying to uplift and fix the issues of those around you. And there came more failure. If I’m supposed to be this great Leader to others, why can’t I fix my own problems? It’s so aggravating.

So Friday I left work a little early and prepared for a weekend of me. I spent all Friday night catching up on the last episodes of Tough Love: Miami (mindless drama that sucks you in!). The Mister even topped off the night by going to get me brownies and ice cream, HOLLA!! Saturday morning was the women’s book study I co-lead, and once that was done I let go of all obligation. The Mister was on board and helped make the day awesome. He went grocery shopping while I was at study, and was already working on lunch when I got home. While he finished the rib feast on the grill, I gave myself a mani pedi (I’ve been dying to get my nails done, but don’t want to invest the money… you have to fill, re fill, soak off, get a new set… omg it’s an endless money pit- so free would have to do).

When lunch was ready, the Mister asked what I wanted to drink, and I answered lemonade. I got to the table and there was a full glass of wine. Apparently out of lemonade he heard wine- I just figured it was fate. Then we relaxed for a bit and Facebook stalked the Mister’s exes for fun, prior to me being totally swept off my feet and taken to a top notch romantic date, otherwise known as Magic Mike. The rest of the evening was spent sharing the ideas we learned from the movie (totally kidding) (sort of). Overall, Saturday seemed to last forever and I caught myself more than once being surprised I still had a whole ‘nother day off coming my way.

Sunday morning the Mister made biscuits and gravy, which we ate while watching Step Up on Vudu (was dying to see Channing Tatum in any role other than a stripper). Then while the Mister mowed, I was given permission to “go have fun… walk around Target or something”. WHAT? Target? Alone? With no restriction? I couldn’t handle that type of euphoria so I did the next best thing and went to Home Goods to spend a gift card. Since we had almost emptied the bank account going to see a movie Saturday (WHY are movies so expensive?!), we decided what the hay and went to see another. Since the Mister clearly picked Magic Mike already, I had to settle on Ted. We were 20 minutes early so we snuck in to Snow White and the Huntsman to see Bella Swann hang out with the seven dwarfs. It seemed pretty dumb… so thankfully, we had a full dose of laughter waiting for us in Ted.

The curveball came when we pulled out of the theater and while going 15 mph down the side street, get pulled over. While the Mister slyly pulled his seat belt into position and clicked it (whoops), I started asking 21 questions since I had been busy facebooking during the alleged incident. He swore he did nothing and had no clue what was going on. The answer? We don’t have a front plate on the car. Como say what? Based on experience, the Mister, who is African American, gets stopped at EVERY DUI check point without question, gets “special” treatment from the TSA EVERY time we fly, and has received an uncountable amount of those notices you get in the mail of “hey we were following you, and you have to send us a copy of your drivers license and proof of insurance within 30 days because we couldn’t find a reason to pull you over”. So we came to the conclusion this was a DWB (driving while black) and happily moved on with our day after being threatened that the “next cop won’t be so nice, and just so he knows, it’s a mandatory court appearance if he doesn’t get it fixed” after I clearly stated twice he was driving MY car and I didn’t know of such rules. At least we got out of the $250 possible seat belt fine BOO YAH.

The rest of the evening was spent in a relaxing bliss filled with dinner, blogging, and talking. It was so nice to just sit in the quiet and enjoy each others’ company. Life, love, hopes, dreams, reconnecting a bond lost over stress and the monotony of life. Such a beautiful end to an awesome weekend.

Battlefield April 28, 2012

A few weeks back, my BFF and I finished our first book study. I still can’t believe we actually did it… God is pretty amazing!

For our first book study, we decided on “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer. We had 13 women total, and it turns out… the majority dealt with very similar inner battles. Control, anxiety, worry, pride… words we can pretty much describe any woman with at a point in time, but words we don’t choose to talk about. Joyce forced us to confront these types of feelings, and ultimately “negative thinking”. From the get go, the book explains that you must start thinking about what you think about.

Let me tell you, when you start thinking about what you think about, I mean for real, it’s a pretty ugly picture. At least, that’s what we discovered. What’s great, though, is that Joyce provided ways, and then we further discussed ways as a group, to help release yourself from the battles satan holds us down with. I left the study feeling pretty good about what I had learned, and the ways all of us had grown in just 6 sessions.

Literally the week after we finished the study, my work life went way downhill. I had a very challenging few weeks and very quickly and (sadly) willingly, fell right back into my strongholds. Anger, bitterness, selfishness… bitterness is a tough one for me. I don’t necessarily hold grudges, but when I’m reminded of certain things someone did to me or reminded about certain aspects of work I don’t like, I am one bitter cookie. My point is… I just got done reading an entire book on overcoming strongholds, yet I couldn’t swim my way out of my deep sea of anger. Satan is smart. He knows how to get us, and get us good.

A couple days ago, I was reminded of our study and I realized what had happened. Renewing your mind is not a quick process, it takes time. It’s ok that there are set backs here and there, we will all have them. But it’s so important to realize during the bad times, that God has a plan and can deliver us from the evil negativity that satan serves to us so easily.

I recommend the book. Perhaps, I need to have it on “repeat” in my book flow so I don’t forget again!

Cupcake Cake April 1, 2012

I’m purposefully holding off on my movie time (read about my Twilight obsession here) to blog about my new baking experience this weekend. Drumroll… a cupcake cake! Biggest lesson: don’t underestimate them!

A good friend’s son turns 1 on Wednesday, and the big first birthday party was today. She was so kind as to trust me with the cake. She gave me a napkin as a template, and we decided to make the lion’s head out of cupcakes (smash cake is separate). Here we go…

My BFF (her blog is here) helped me bake two dozen cupcakes.



When I got home, I arranged them into a lion’s head, using funfetti for the face and chocolate for the mane.



Then I started with the inside after watching two videos on YouTube about making cupcake cakes. Note… I would have been much better off starting with the mane and doing the inside after. It was too hard to try and match the orange line up to the yellow after.



And here is the finished cupcake cake with the napkin inspiration!



And here it is set up at the party… I also did the “balloon” in the napkin as a separate (larger) cupcake for his smash cake. It turned out so good.